Five Hugs Remus Lupin Never Gave
by Gabrielle Marie Isabelle
Summary: Five hugs Remus Lupin never gave. Written for the Five things challenge.


Remus is waiting for Lily in the common room. James, Sirius and Peter are in their dormitory, still laughing at Snape and his underwear.

Remus feels sick. His eyes are fixed on the Portrait hole and he stupidly hopes Lily is all right. Of course she's not. He knows how close to Snape she is – or was. Knowing Lily, she probably won't forgive him easily for calling her a Mudblood. James and Sirius don't understand how important Snape is to Lily. Or maybe they do, and Remus is being too lenient with his friends, as he is too often.

"Lily!" Remus suddenly calls, seeing her storming in the common room.

Lily looks quite collected as she sees him, but as he quickly makes his way towards her he sees that her eyes are red and swollen.

"Leave me alone," Lily snarls.

Remus feels sick.

"Please, Lily, can't we talk?"

Lily stops dead in her tracks and as she turns to him he almost takes a step back. She looks positively infuriated. After all, the 'incident' happened only an hour ago.

"Don't you think you should have talked earlier?" Lily almost shouts, making a few heads turn. "Don't you think you should have said something?"

Remus opens his mouth, and closes it. He hates himself. Lily seems to calm down, but it is even worse as she now looks on the verge of tears.

"Never mind," Lily says shortly. "Well have a good night, and I hope your conscience doesn't bother you."

"I'm sorry," Remus says quickly as she is about to leave. "I'm really sorry, Lily, I know I shouldn't have left it happen, but…"

Remus does not finish his sentence. He sincerely doesn't know how to. His apologies sound empty.

Lily blinks and looks away. Remus has never seen such a sad shade of green. Green is supposed to be the colour of hope. For one second, Remus hates his friends.

"He called me a Mudblood," Lily says quietly.

Remus wants to take her in his arms, to make her feel better, to make _himself_ feel better, too. But he knows it isn't the best idea, and before he knows what to do next, Lily is gone.

* * *

"Er, Marlene?"

Marlene turns warily and sighs of relief when she sees him.

"Oh, it's you," Marlene whispers.

Remus refrains himself from asking if she is all right. She is not all right. Sirius Black has just dumped her in front of everyone. She is not all right.

"Look, I'm sorry –" Remus starts.

"You're not going to apologize on his behalf, are you?" Marlene says, exasperated and bewildered. "I can't believe you!"

Marlene shakes her head and tucks a strand of her long blonde hair behind her ear.

"I knew he was too young for me," Marlene mutters.

"Only one year younger," Remus points out reasonably.

Marlene shrugs. "But not mature enough… And I've got the feeling that he's not going to change."

"I don't think so either," Remus agrees.

Marlene sighs and looks around the common room – it is now empty but for them and a group of first years pretending they're not listening in. Remus, who has been a Prefect for over a year now, gives them a Look.

"He could have been, you know, just a little bit more gentle about it? And _discreet_."

"I know, breaking up with you in the middle of the common room wasn't the brightest idea he's ever had."

Marlene scowls at him for a while and he shifts from foot to foot. How it is that he feels so guilty for his friends' actions, he'll never know. For some reason the feelings of one human being are not enough for Remus Lupin. Marlene turns her back to him and walks towards the window.

"Maybe I should have gone for you," Marlene whispers sadly, and suddenly she looks so fragile. "At least you're decent boyfriend material."

Remus knows it's probably meant to be a compliment, but still... Decent boyfriend material?

"I talk too much," Marlene says, with a bark-like laughter that painfully sounds like Sirius's. "Sorry, forget what I said…"

Marlene looks so lost and sad and ashamed that Remus wants to hold her in his arms and tell her that she'll find someone more… suitable for her, but he knows it would be awkward. After all, he doesn't know her all that well, and he's generally nervous around girls anyway. He watches in helpless silence as she quickly walks away.

* * *

One ridiculously beautiful day at the beginning of his seventh year, Remus learns the true meaning of the word 'helpless'.

"The owl was from my parents," James says incredibly slowly, staring at the wall right in front of him. "They are… they are ill. Some kind of… stupid illness."

There is a long silence during which James doesn't even blink. His face looks totally emotionless.

"What illness?" Sirius asks briskly.

"Who cares what the fuck is the illness?"

Suddenly, James is shouting.

"Who _cares_? It's going… it's going to kill them anyway!"

Suddenly, James breaks down and cries like a child. The sight shatters Remus's world, because James is strength and protection. James is not supposed to cry. Remus, even though he has only spent a few days at the Potters', feels his whole body grow cold.

"I'm sorry," Remus says stupidly, automatically.

Remus can almost feel Sirius's eyes burning him. He dares not look at Sirius after that. Instead he turns to Peter, who looks just as helpless as him.

"I wish I could do something," Remus whispers after another painful silence.

Remus can't stand to see James cry. He didn't even know that James could cry. It all feel wrong.

"What do you think you can do?" James asks blankly, wiping his tears angrily.

A voice in Remus's mind shouts, _I don't know! Aren't people supposed to hug each other and say everything is going to be alright even if it's not?_

Remus takes a deep breath and walks towards James, feeling kindness almost radiating from himself. Yet he knows that all the kindness in the world can't change the horrifying fact that James's parents have an incurable illness.

"Come here," Remus says gently.

James smiles bitterly; Remus shudders as he realizes his hazel eyes have lost their friendly glint.

"What are you going to do, then?" James says snidely. "I don't do hugs. Marauders don't do hugs. Leave me _alone_."

Remus stares in James's unyielding eyes for a moment and then ruefully made his way out, followed by Peter and Sirius. He can almost hear his heart break when James adds:

"Padfoot, you can stay."

* * *

They've finished school and left Hogwarts for good for barely a few weeks when James's parents lose their battle against their illness. On an unbearably hot summer day, the funeral takes place. Everyone avoids the others' eyes, especially James's – only Lily seems to know what he needs, so Remus leaves her to take care of James.

"Padfoot?" Remus calls softly as he strolls around the backyard of the Potters' mansion.

There's no answer, but Sirius is there, sitting on a lone bench, staring down at the unkempt grass, looking like a lost child.

"Sirius," Remus says.

Sirius's head jerks up and Remus finds it difficult to hold his gaze. The grey eyes, as hard as steel, seem to want to bear a hole into his.

"What do you want?"

Sirius's voice is rough and hoarse, and Remus wonders for how long Sirius has been sitting there alone.

"How are you feeling?"

Sirius chuckles mirthlessly. "Wonderful."

Remus stares at the grey eyes and they are redder than usual; Remus considers the disturbing possibility that Sirius might have been crying.

"I know they were like your parents," Remus says quietly.

Sirius nods slowly. "_Like _my parents, yes. Makes all the difference, doesn't it? I can't break down today, even if I don't know how I can stand all this… I need to look alright so that James can grieve properly. If he saw me like this, if he knew what I really feel then he could not bear it."

Remus frowns as he suddenly realizes how much Sirius has grown up for the past months.

"It's unfair," Remus says.

He sits down next to Sirius and puts his arm around his shoulders. Sirius shrugs his arm off. His jaw is clenched, the storm in his eyes raging.

"I'm fine," Sirius says roughly. "I'm fine. I'll go back inside; I see Prongs is getting surrounded by too many relatives."

Sirius stands up and walks away.

"Sirius, I –"

"Remus, you can't understand," Sirius says without turning.

"But you don't even let me try!" Remus retorts exasperatedly.

Sirius is gone.

* * *

Tonks is standing in the middle of the room, the echo of her words still shattering his ears. She's pregnant, and Remus feels so scared and happy that he's petrified, and is left to stare at her. She looks frail and pale and _young_, and he just can't move.

He knows he should take her in his arms and say that everything would be okay, but he doesn't believe it.

He turns his back on her instead.


End file.
